My Education
Random musings, and several journal entries…
Humility.
It’s in God’s time, not mine. I need to learn this lesson. Again. I thought for sure I was going to be a nurse last Saturday. I really, really did. I failed my final exam, however, and thus I am not. A nurse, that is. Pins and needles the rest of the weekend. And the pain to my pride. Having to tell everyone that I failed. “Fuck this shit” I thought. “I’m done, I quit, what a colossal waste of time and money.” But, then, I stop and think once the emotions are calmer, and I will carry on. The school is holding a spot for me in January. And I’ll be more prepared this time. I’ll make sure to be. I won’t let anyone or anything interfere with my focus.
Focus.
Speaking of focus… Why do people insist upon having their emotional breakdowns at the most inopportune times? Really?? You need to do this now?? For crying out loud, I have two, count ‘em, two, MAJOR tests coming up! And you have to breakdown NOW? Big sigh… Normally, someone else’s breakdown probably wouldn’t cause me that much distress; however, my kids are involved in this one. As their mother, it is my job to protect them. Therefore, YOUR breakdown must cause ME distress. Not ok. Now I have to take time out of my very busy schedule (work, school, kids, church, house) and file court paperwork. And I have to find an attorney (and find a GREAT one I did, thank you Kate and Rebecca), as well as pay said attorney. And pay court fees. And parking. And take time out of my very busy schedule (work, school, kids, church, house, court) to meet with my Wonderful Attorney, which was time well spent I might add. AND take time out of my extremely busy schedule (work, school, kids, church, house, court, attorney) to go BACK to court. (work, school, kids, church, house, court, attorney, court)
All of this because YOU think that your regular visitation weekends should continue as usual, whereas I think that your Vicodin popping, gun toting, suicide by cop attempting ass needs to be the hell AWAY from my babies until I am sure that you are better! Which, by the way, is NOT NOW! And trying to guilt me into changing my mind will not work. I’m a hell of a lot stronger now than when I was married to your sorry ass. Too bad, so sad, sucks to be you, but you made your choices.
By the way, I failed the tests. I was too busy worrying for the physical and emotional well-being of my children to be able to focus on school. But, all is not lost; I restart Block 4 in January. I will be a nurse. Just not right now.
Sorry-Ass Ex-Husbands
See previous entry. Oh, wait. There’s more. The “amends” e-mail came. An amends e-mail. Because all important discussions, especially an “amends” discussion, should be made via e-mail. Duh. But, then, what do I know?
Having said that, the following is, shall we say, interesting. To say the least. Drama, drama, drama! E-mail # 1…
From: Robert
Sent: Wednesday, December 02, 2009 8:48 AM
To: Tara
Cc: L (Cox)
Subject: Amends....
Hello,
Hope your day is going well.
By the subject line I am sure you can guess why I am sending you this. I had a really good long talk with N last night and made my amends to him and decided it was high time I did the same to you. N is quite wise for his age and gave me much support and love when we discussed this.
I want you to know that I am very sorry for what has gone on in the last year or so. There were times when I was on prescription meds and the family and I were tooling all around town with ME at the wheel. Not to mention the fact that there were unsecured firearms in the house in the last year as well. There have been times when I was sick because I ran out of painkillers and did nothing but lie in bed all weekend. Other times I was just plain unavailable and angry.
Near the time of the incident I had quit the painkillers but was still in a deep depression and the boys were subject to that as I would hide in the garage or sometimes just sleep the days away.
All of this was and is a direct result of my twisted thinking and abuse of these chemicals.
There are no excuses. I was unable to handle life on lifes terms. Period.
For the hurt, fear and pain I have caused you, N, B and most likely the rest of your family I am truly sorry and pray that you will forgive me. My family has suffered greatly too so I will be doing alot of this in the coming days.
I do not expect anything in return, this as you know, is something I must do to maintain my sobriety and learn humility.
Thank you for being such a great mother to those kids. You are their rock without question.
Sincerely,
Rob
E-mail #2… I call this one “Amends-retread!”
From: Robert
Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 9:26 AM
To: Tara
Subject: Fwd: Amends....
Not sure if you got this the first time.....
Robert
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 2009 10:47:37 -0500
From: Robert
To: "Tara.
Subject: Amends....
Cc:
"L (Cox)"
Hello,
Hope your day is going well.
By the subject line I am sure you can guess why I am sending you this. I had a really good long talk with N last night and made my amends to him and decided it was high time I did the same to you. N is quite wise for his age and gave me much support and love when we discussed this.
I want you to know that I am very sorry for what has gone on in the last year or so. There were times when I was on prescription meds and the family and I were tooling all around town with ME at the wheel. Not to mention the fact that there were unsecured firearms in the house in the last year as well. There have been times when I was sick because I ran out of painkillers and did nothing but lie in bed all weekend. Other times I was just plain unavailable and angry.
Near the time of the incident I had quit the painkillers but was still in a deep depression and the boys were subject to that as I would hide in the garage or sometimes just sleep the days away.
All of this was and is a direct result of my twisted thinking and abuse of these chemicals.
There are no excuses. I was unable to handle life on lifes terms. Period.
For the hurt, fear and pain I have caused you, N, B and most likely the rest of your family I am truly sorry and pray that you will forgive me. My family has suffered greatly too so I will be doing alot of this in the coming days.
I do not expect anything in return, this as you know, is something I must do to maintain my sobriety and learn humility.
Thank you for being such a great mother to those kids. You are their rock without question.
Sincerely,
Rob
Please note that the e-mail states “I do not expect anything in return”, which is obviously untrue as he felt the need to send the e-mail a second time! For crying out loud, get over yourself!
Note also that I am such a great mother, and the kids’ rock.. And yes, I am pointing this out for a reason… the next drama explains.
Ok, next up in the drama department…
My sister-in-law (the ex’s sister, she’ll always be my sister-in-law) had a little get together when her stepdaughter J came to town recently. She wasn’t going to invite the ex and his wife, as she really wanted us to be there and to be comfortable… Me being the relatively nice and decent person that I am thought that it could be considered a supervised visit for the ex with the boys, and it was fine with me if they were invited. No big deal, right? I mean, he’s been wanting to see them, so here’s the perfect opportunity! Seems pretty simple to me. So, said invitation is sent. Rob won’t come. Why? Dunno. Idiocy, I suppose. Lynda came to the party, and enjoyed herself, I do believe, and it was good for the boys. But Rob? No can do!
So I get a phone call on Dec 23 that went as follows… and I quote, “I need to know what’s going on with the boys for Christmas.” I said “What do you mean?”. He said “Will they be coming over here anytime for Christmas?”. I said” No, we’re spending Christmas with my family”. He said “That’s all I needed to know” and hung up on me.
Whatever.
But wait, there’s more!
Email #3
Holidays...
From: Robert
Sent: Thu 12/24/09 2:57 PM
To: TK
Cc: l
So let me get this straight...We will have no time with them whatsoever over their holiday vacation?
To which I replied…
RE: Holidays...
From: TARA
Sent: Thu 12/24/09 4:23 PM
To: Robert
Cc: L
Not without a supervised visit. You had an opportunity for that, which you decided not to take advantage of. If it was really that important to you, you would have seen them at your sisters. L did.
Hanging up on me is not the way to handle this either.
And finally….E-mail# 4!!!
RE: Holidays...
From: Robert
Sent: Thu 12/24/09 4:35 PM
To: TARA
We will resume the previous routine or there will be nothing at all i.e. no 'supervision'. I don't want you involved in my life at all anymore and that is my choice. That was the reason I did not go to see them at my sisters. I am not choosing not to see the boys, I am choosing not to see you. Period.
L makes her own choices (i.e. going to my sisters) and I have no problem with that. I do however have a problem with you and thus made the decision it was best not to see them rather than see you.
I am done with this situation. I will not be there in court in April either. Enough is enough. Have it your way that is fine with me and that the way it's always been anyway. The days of your control issues affecting my life are over. N and I have a good relationship despite your best efforts and when he is 18 perhaps I will get to see him. It's a small price to pay for getting out from under your thumb.
Merry Christmas.
Robert
What a piece of shit my ex-husband is! Piece of shit! Sheesh! And now, due to his poison (and I consider this attitude, this action and this reaction to be poison) he has lost all chance of ever seeing the younger son (to whom his is neither related to nor has any legal claim to) again. Too bad, so sad, I cannot allow my son to be poisoned. Period, end of story.
Drama, drama and more drama. Will it ever end? (Me-thinks not.)
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