Happy Holidays!

This years trees are up (yes, that's plural), and most of the decorating is done.

I found and purchased a fabulous, old tinsel tree last year at Ecocentricity. (http://ecocentricity.org/ or www.facebook.com/Ecocentricity)

The second tree is simply a Home Depot after Christmas sale find. I do however, dig the decorations!

There is a third, sort of, tree. It's pink. Totally obnoxious. It's outside, mostly to annoy the neighbors across the street. No pictures yet, as the tree stand was chewed by a dog and I need to find a way to prop it up appropriately. Perhaps tomorrow! 

Getting in to the Christmas spirit this year!

Seventeen

Yesterday my Nick turned 17. I can hardly believe that he's been my baby for seventeen years. I'm impressed with what a great young man he is turning out to be. He's tall and stong, extremely handsome (in my humble opinion), and he's a really nice kid. I'm terribly proud of him. I wish he could understand how much I love him. But we don't understand until we have children of our own.

I got a hug AND a kiss from this guy today...

The Arizona Cardinals held a Jr Training Camp at Madison Meadows Middle School today. I was fortunate enough to be a parent volunteer. It was so much fun for all involved: students, school staff, parent volunteers, Cardinals franchise employees, Red Bird and #67! I wasn't even disappointed that it wasn't Larry Fitzgerald. The whole event was fantastic. A lot of laughter, a lot of sweat! And, most importantly, I got a hug and a kiss from #1, Red Bird!                                                                                                                                      

I never knew I'd love, love, love being a football mom!

 

#82!

Long time gone...

     It's been forever since I've even thought about writing! But, for the moment, here I am. Since I wrote last I've passed nursing boards. Thank God! So that's one less thing to worry about. Not that there aren't other things...
     So, the crazy ex-a$$hole, the meth-head got arrested. The Phoenix charges are weapons charges, and the Colorado charges are stalking charges (among other things, I do believe). For my kid's sake and my sister-in-law's sake, I hope he gets his shit together once and for all. If it weren't for them, I really wouldn't care what happens to him. But, people I love care (as well they should), and I don't want to see them hurt. Frankly, however, I don't see it happening. If it hasn't happened yet, probably never will. Whatever.
     On a totally different note, Matthew Bellamy needs braces. You're totally loaded, dude. Get the teeth fixed already!

Book of Common Prayer

Prayer for Quiet Confidence

O God of peace, who hast taught us that in returning and rest we shall be saved, in quietness and confidence shall be our strength: By the might of thy Spirit lift us, we pray thee, to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou art God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Now, if I can just remember this on a regular basis...

I'm so thankful for the guidance that the BCP gives. Helps me to pray.

Really? Wow!

I checked my email this morning. Which is not unusual. Most of us check out email on a fairly regular basis, no?  So, I checked my email this morning. And guess what I found there.

My ex, the meth-head ex husband of mine that I've written about (frequently), who blocked my email addresses, who tries to mess with people as much as he is able (just ask his soon-to-be-ex-wife) sent me a friend request on Facebook. REALLY???

What on earth is wrong with people??? If anyone figures that question out, would you please be kind enought to let me know?

Thanks!

Yay!

The birds are actually visiting! I put out birdseed, they found it, and now I get to listen to them singing!

Best. Dessert. Ever.

My dear friend Kate was unable to make it to my nursing pinning ceremony, to my graduation ceremony, and my graduation party/open house. Thus, dinner last night. (Thank you, Kate!)

We went to the Sierra Bonita Grill on 7th St and Glendale Avenue. We started off with the guacamole (which was really good) and then both of us had an appetizer as our entrees. The Green Chile Mac n' Cheese. Yummy. But the pièce de résistance was the dessert.

Oh. My. God.

Kate had the Mexican Chocolate Torte (strawberry puree / bertos vanilla bean gelato), which she said was fantastic.

I, on the other hand, had the Buttermilk Pie (warm sweet buttermilk custard / house made caramel sauce), and may I say HOLY COW! It was amazing. Seriously. Best dessert ever. I kid you not. It's as if it was straight out of the oven, and it practically melted in my mouth. And the caramel sauce was out of this world. As caramel sauce goes, absolutely amazing. I want more. Now. I've been thinking about it all day.

Kate and I decided that the next time we are having a "day", we'll text each other and meet for dessert. And dessert will fix everything, as only dessert can. Yum!

Tallness and "interesting" hair.

First and foremost, the credit for the photography goes to my dear friend Elaine, who took this picture at the choir's Year End Party! Thanks, Elaine, for all you do, and who you are!

Having said that, the reason for this short post is this... I'M WEARING HEELS! And N is STILL taller than me! Gah! And look at the hair on B. The sideburns! Good golly! But he won't let me touch them, so for now, we're living with it.

Ah, my beautiful babies. I love them so!

Working in the garden.

I've been having fun lately attempting to grow things. I dug up some blackberry shoots at Dad's house a while back, and grew them in an old bathtub (no joke) that's in the back yard; today I attempted to transplant one to the front yard. I'm really, really hoping it does well.

I've also been growing cantaloupe in the bathtub...I just threw in some seeds from one I'd eaten, and lo and behold, it's been growing! Along, of course, with the rest of the blackberry "bushes".

Also in the back yard is a rosebush. Which I thought I'd killed. I had cut it back as far as physically possible without actually digging it up. And then it grew! Who knew?  Well, probably people who actually know about gardening, but I'm not one of those people. 

Isn't that a pretty rose? Unfortuately, it's the ONLY pretty rose. The rest look like this.

Look a little closer...

And closer...

Oh, well. I can't have everything! I'm also working on some vegetables. Some have been growing for a few weeks now, and some I've planted just today.

This is cucumber, radish and carrot!

Next to those veggies is a seemingly empty (except for dirt, that is) plantar. However, I planted fenugreek, brocolli, cilantro and something else, but I can't remember what!

This is corn. Or, at least, it will be. I can't wait to see it grow taller and taller. Not to mention, eating it. Yum!More cucumber and radish.

And last but not least, I'm actually attempting to grow some flowers. I'd tell you what's growing, but I didn't label them. Because I'm a dork. So, I guess we'll see when they are bigger.

I've been diligently watering every evening. Hopefully I'll see some results! If they're good results, I'll share the wealth! Can't wait for the veggies to get here.

Next project... any ideas?

Peace, Mercy and Prayer

Peace be with you.

Finding God brings peace.

Finding peace brings God?

I try to bring peace to my soul.

I wish to bring God to my soul.

Some days it's so easy.

Some days...

I wish to have peace.

The peace of the Lord be always with us.

Mercy.

Compassion shown.

Debts forgiven.

Charity.

Compassion...Why is it so easy sometimes, and so difficult at other times?

Have mercy upon us.

In mercy, we find God.

Where mercy is, God is.

Lord have mercy.

Christ have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

I can have mercy, because God has mercy upon me.

Remind me, Lord, to give your mercy to others.

Help me to show mercy.

Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions

Psalm 51:1

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr


What a reminder!
Lord, help me be calm in your presence. Remind me to pray. Remind me to trust. Remind me that I am Yours, You are mine, and all will be well.  Thy will be done.

Me with people that matter...by no means is this comprehensive!

"Picnik Show"

Create a free slideshow with Picnik!

Mexico's Calderon takes immigration case to Capitol Hill

Mexico's Calderon takes immigration case to Capitol Hill



Before I make any comments, I must make a disclaimer. I am neither on one side or the other. In fact, I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing.  This post is not a commentary on the pros or cons of Arizona's bill, nor on the human rights issues involved, nor anything else of much interest.

What I do have to say about this is that Mr. Calderon needs to shut his pie-hole. If his country wasn't in such dissaray, such misery, this wouldn't be an issue in the first place. Fix your own country, Mr. Calderon. Make your own country livable for not only the rich and the drug lords, and there won't be an immigration issue at all. Until then, stay out of our problems!

And, that's all I have to say on the subject. At least, for now!

NCLEX

For you non-nursey people out there, NCLEX is the Nursing Board Examination, or licensing exam. We (my nursing class) were given an NCLEX review class, which was put on at Gateway Community College. It was a good class. But, I have to tell you...while there were moments that I felt really, really smart, there were many moments that I felt so stupid!

So, plan for study is as follows, at least for the rest of this week:
Drug classifications. If you know the classifications, you can narrow many side effects down, and thus get a clearer picture of things. At least I hope so!
Also, sounds. Apparently the test now contains sound bites that we have to identify, so I must find some good breathsounds online. Here's hoping.

I've scheduled my test for June 14th. So I guess I'd better get cracking!

Progression

I decided to post a picture on the blog layout. I love this website picnik.com. I made a collage that in many ways portrays "My Education"!
Super cool!

Attempts to prettify the yard!

I've been trying to "pretty" up the front yard. I'm not the best gardner around, that is for sure, but I'm going to give it a go. Thus, I have a hanging plant, and some flowering plants sitting on the front walk. 

I've also put up a gazebo out front. I had been looking for one for awhile, and last Christmas during a run through Target, I found this one on sale for about $70. I thought that was pretty cool. As it turned out, it was about 1/2 of the sale price! $35! Can you beat that? Mini-me the younger helped me put it together a month or so ago, and I took a bistro set that Dad had given me and painted it black. And there you have it, a front yard oasis! At least until the temperature hits 100, which will be soon here in sunny Phoenix Arizona!

Yesterday I picked up a little birdfeeder at WallyWorld, some seed and hung it in the tree out front. I hope that the birds will find it and hang out with us for a bit. Just doing my part for the local wildlife!

I'm also working a little bit in the back yard, and as that progresses (or rather doesn't look like a weed-fest) I'll post some pictures of that too. But I'm betting it's going to be awhile!

I've been thinking...

Dangerous, I know. But I've been thinking just the same. I'm still on the "drama" rant. Summer is here, and soon we'll be coming up on a terrible anniversary. My beautiful niece-in-law D, who was 25 years old, shot and killed herself last summer. It was a terrible, terrible day, that will stay with us for so long. She was so loved, by so many people. And there's never been an answer to the question "why?", and probably never will be.
The "Robert" drama started with the suicide. All of his stupid behavior, the opiod abuse, the suicude threats, the return to alcohol as the answer to all life's problems, and now the addition of meth to his fantastic life. We're coming up on the anniversary of D's suicide. And I'm worried.
Why, you ask, would I possible be worried about this jackass? Why would I care?
About him, I don't care, I'm not worried.
But, we have a child together. A child that I love beyond belief, more than words can say. And he loves his father regardless, as he should. And that child has a sibling who, although he shares no genetics with Robert, loves him also. And Robert has a sister, who is one of the most wonderful people I know. Who has survived her daughter's suicide (with much grace, I might add), and who loves her brother even though she despises his behavior.
So, I worry that with all of the drug and alcohol abuse, with a divorce in the works and with a complete halt in all communication with the children, what the reaction to the anniverary will be.
I admit that I have all kinds of evil thoughts (and I'm really quite ok with that), but in truth, I don't want my children and other family members to be unhappy. Thus, I want him to get his shit together sooner rather than later. Before he does something permanent. Permanently stupid!
So, I'm thinking. Dangerous. Sigh...

Smoker with oxygen tank dies in Arizona fire

Smoker with oxygen tank dies in Arizona fire

Really? How much education must we put out there before people pay attention? I am flabbergasted at the stupidity! Smoking while on oxygen. How dumb can you be? I'm sorry for the loss of life, but, really, this again points to survival of the fittest. And this guy was not amoung the fittest.

Lord, have mercy on us all.

Graduation

Graduation was held at the Orpheum Theatre. How cool is that?

Two of my fellow grads, Lisa and Kelly. Love them!

More fellow grads Shelly, Lisa (again), Dana and Me!

Me with my proud parents. I finally did it! Woo hoo!

Me and my babies! They may not be terribly thrilled, but they will get it later, I'm sure.

What an amazing night it was. Friends and familty were there to cheer me on, my fellow nursing school grads and I being silly and reveling in our graduation together. Fantastic!

Will the drama never end?

Well, I guess not. He's on Meth now.
Fortunately, he's made no effort to try to see Nick-O-Sauraus-Rex. I'd have to ask for a drug test if he did, and I'm sure that would be a joy. 
Big sigh...

Having said all that, I did not let it get to me this time. Protective measures are in place, I sleep well at night. And I passed Nursing School! Nothing is going to get to me in that way again. I'll just keep muddling through as I need to, and live my life to the best of my ability!

Amen!

Address Blocked

"Address blocked.‏ From: Robert Gager (robert.gager@cox.net)








Sent: Sun 4/18/10 3:59 PM



To: (let's just say this is my email)@q.com







This email address has been blocked by user robert.gager@cox.net Any mail sent from address (let's just say this is my email)@q.com will be automatically deleted upon arrival."



As you can imagine, I am so unhappy about this!

After all, he's my ex, and I've not only been ignoring his e-mails and various postings, but I have not (I repeat, NOT) been e-mailing him in any way, shape or form. I have no desire to talk with him.

Thus, I found the blocking of my e-mail address rather amusing. Apparently I am not the only one that this devastation has happened too, so I'm not as special as I thought I was. One person stated that she "cried for...never!"

Love it!

Nutcase

Well, he's done it again! It seems that if the wifey goes out of town for one night, that is the time to go get hammered at the titty bar. Good thinking! Since then he's been hanging out with his "new" friends, all of whom I'm sure he met at the aforementioned titty bar. I'm sure that his new friends are of great character and breeding.
Needless to say, the wifey has had enough and has packed up and moved back to Colorado to be with her family. We haven't heard from him since. Oh, darn.

SHS JV Football, #7. (In other words, my baby!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRJUMVc0uE8

ADVISORY WARNING

For any "family" that may come across these musings, some of these are to be read at your own risk.
I'm just saying...

Prologue

The beginnings of "My Education". All from Decemberish '09. Enjoy!



My Education


Random musings, and several journal entries…

Humility.
It’s in God’s time, not mine. I need to learn this lesson. Again. I thought for sure I was going to be a nurse last Saturday. I really, really did. I failed my final exam, however, and thus I am not. A nurse, that is. Pins and needles the rest of the weekend. And the pain to my pride. Having to tell everyone that I failed. “Fuck this shit” I thought. “I’m done, I quit, what a colossal waste of time and money.” But, then, I stop and think once the emotions are calmer, and I will carry on. The school is holding a spot for me in January. And I’ll be more prepared this time. I’ll make sure to be. I won’t let anyone or anything interfere with my focus.

Focus.
Speaking of focus… Why do people insist upon having their emotional breakdowns at the most inopportune times? Really?? You need to do this now?? For crying out loud, I have two, count ‘em, two, MAJOR tests coming up! And you have to breakdown NOW? Big sigh… Normally, someone else’s breakdown probably wouldn’t cause me that much distress; however, my kids are involved in this one. As their mother, it is my job to protect them. Therefore, YOUR breakdown must cause ME distress. Not ok. Now I have to take time out of my very busy schedule (work, school, kids, church, house) and file court paperwork. And I have to find an attorney (and find a GREAT one I did, thank you Kate and Rebecca), as well as pay said attorney. And pay court fees. And parking. And take time out of my very busy schedule (work, school, kids, church, house, court) to meet with my Wonderful Attorney, which was time well spent I might add. AND take time out of my extremely busy schedule (work, school, kids, church, house, court, attorney) to go BACK to court. (work, school, kids, church, house, court, attorney, court)

All of this because YOU think that your regular visitation weekends should continue as usual, whereas I think that your Vicodin popping, gun toting, suicide by cop attempting ass needs to be the hell AWAY from my babies until I am sure that you are better! Which, by the way, is NOT NOW! And trying to guilt me into changing my mind will not work. I’m a hell of a lot stronger now than when I was married to your sorry ass. Too bad, so sad, sucks to be you, but you made your choices.

By the way, I failed the tests. I was too busy worrying for the physical and emotional well-being of my children to be able to focus on school. But, all is not lost; I restart Block 4 in January. I will be a nurse. Just not right now.


Sorry-Ass Ex-Husbands
See previous entry. Oh, wait. There’s more. The “amends” e-mail came. An amends e-mail. Because all important discussions, especially an “amends” discussion, should be made via e-mail. Duh. But, then, what do I know?
Having said that, the following is, shall we say, interesting. To say the least. Drama, drama, drama! E-mail # 1…

From: Robert
Sent: Wednesday, December 02, 2009 8:48 AM
To: Tara
Cc: L (Cox)
Subject: Amends....

Hello,
Hope your day is going well.
By the subject line I am sure you can guess why I am sending you this. I had a really good long talk with N last night and made my amends to him and decided it was high time I did the same to you. N is quite wise for his age and gave me much support and love when we discussed this.
I want you to know that I am very sorry for what has gone on in the last year or so. There were times when I was on prescription meds and the family and I were tooling all around town with ME at the wheel. Not to mention the fact that there were unsecured firearms in the house in the last year as well. There have been times when I was sick because I ran out of painkillers and did nothing but lie in bed all weekend. Other times I was just plain unavailable and angry.
Near the time of the incident I had quit the painkillers but was still in a deep depression and the boys were subject to that as I would hide in the garage or sometimes just sleep the days away.
All of this was and is a direct result of my twisted thinking and abuse of these chemicals.
There are no excuses. I was unable to handle life on lifes terms. Period.
For the hurt, fear and pain I have caused you, N, B and most likely the rest of your family I am truly sorry and pray that you will forgive me. My family has suffered greatly too so I will be doing alot of this in the coming days.
I do not expect anything in return, this as you know, is something I must do to maintain my sobriety and learn humility.
Thank you for being such a great mother to those kids. You are their rock without question.

Sincerely,

Rob


E-mail #2… I call this one “Amends-retread!”

From: Robert
Sent: Monday, December 07, 2009 9:26 AM
To: Tara
Subject: Fwd: Amends....

Not sure if you got this the first time.....

Robert

Date: Wed, 2 Dec 2009 10:47:37 -0500
From: Robert
To: "Tara.
Subject: Amends....
Cc:
"L (Cox)"

Hello,
Hope your day is going well.
By the subject line I am sure you can guess why I am sending you this. I had a really good long talk with N last night and made my amends to him and decided it was high time I did the same to you. N is quite wise for his age and gave me much support and love when we discussed this.
I want you to know that I am very sorry for what has gone on in the last year or so. There were times when I was on prescription meds and the family and I were tooling all around town with ME at the wheel. Not to mention the fact that there were unsecured firearms in the house in the last year as well. There have been times when I was sick because I ran out of painkillers and did nothing but lie in bed all weekend. Other times I was just plain unavailable and angry.
Near the time of the incident I had quit the painkillers but was still in a deep depression and the boys were subject to that as I would hide in the garage or sometimes just sleep the days away.
All of this was and is a direct result of my twisted thinking and abuse of these chemicals.
There are no excuses. I was unable to handle life on lifes terms. Period.
For the hurt, fear and pain I have caused you, N, B and most likely the rest of your family I am truly sorry and pray that you will forgive me. My family has suffered greatly too so I will be doing alot of this in the coming days.
I do not expect anything in return, this as you know, is something I must do to maintain my sobriety and learn humility.
Thank you for being such a great mother to those kids. You are their rock without question.

Sincerely,

Rob

Please note that the e-mail states “I do not expect anything in return”, which is obviously untrue as he felt the need to send the e-mail a second time! For crying out loud, get over yourself!

Note also that I am such a great mother, and the kids’ rock.. And yes, I am pointing this out for a reason… the next drama explains.

Ok, next up in the drama department…

My sister-in-law (the ex’s sister, she’ll always be my sister-in-law) had a little get together when her stepdaughter J came to town recently. She wasn’t going to invite the ex and his wife, as she really wanted us to be there and to be comfortable… Me being the relatively nice and decent person that I am thought that it could be considered a supervised visit for the ex with the boys, and it was fine with me if they were invited. No big deal, right? I mean, he’s been wanting to see them, so here’s the perfect opportunity! Seems pretty simple to me. So, said invitation is sent. Rob won’t come. Why? Dunno. Idiocy, I suppose. Lynda came to the party, and enjoyed herself, I do believe, and it was good for the boys. But Rob? No can do!
So I get a phone call on Dec 23 that went as follows… and I quote, “I need to know what’s going on with the boys for Christmas.” I said “What do you mean?”. He said “Will they be coming over here anytime for Christmas?”. I said” No, we’re spending Christmas with my family”. He said “That’s all I needed to know” and hung up on me.
Whatever.
But wait, there’s more!
Email #3
Holidays...‏
From: Robert
Sent: Thu 12/24/09 2:57 PM
To: TK
Cc: l
So let me get this straight...We will have no time with them whatsoever over their holiday vacation?
To which I replied…
RE: Holidays...‏
From: TARA
Sent: Thu 12/24/09 4:23 PM
To: Robert
Cc: L
Not without a supervised visit. You had an opportunity for that, which you decided not to take advantage of. If it was really that important to you, you would have seen them at your sisters. L did.
Hanging up on me is not the way to handle this either.

And finally….E-mail# 4!!!
RE: Holidays...‏
From: Robert
Sent: Thu 12/24/09 4:35 PM
To: TARA

We will resume the previous routine or there will be nothing at all i.e. no 'supervision'. I don't want you involved in my life at all anymore and that is my choice. That was the reason I did not go to see them at my sisters. I am not choosing not to see the boys, I am choosing not to see you. Period.

L makes her own choices (i.e. going to my sisters) and I have no problem with that. I do however have a problem with you and thus made the decision it was best not to see them rather than see you.

I am done with this situation. I will not be there in court in April either. Enough is enough. Have it your way that is fine with me and that the way it's always been anyway. The days of your control issues affecting my life are over. N and I have a good relationship despite your best efforts and when he is 18 perhaps I will get to see him. It's a small price to pay for getting out from under your thumb.

Merry Christmas.

Robert

What a piece of shit my ex-husband is! Piece of shit! Sheesh! And now, due to his poison (and I consider this attitude, this action and this reaction to be poison) he has lost all chance of ever seeing the younger son (to whom his is neither related to nor has any legal claim to) again. Too bad, so sad, I cannot allow my son to be poisoned. Period, end of story.

Drama, drama and more drama. Will it ever end? (Me-thinks not.)

Midterms

I have a big test I have to take by end of business tomorrow. Which requires driving to the Rio Salado campus in Tempe. Not really looking forward to it. I'm terribly nervous. Why so nervous? Because I've done this once before. And didn't do all that well. And I really want to kick it's ass this time. Gotta remember everything about HITS, ARDS, blood transfusions and osteomyelitis. Among other things. So close, and yet so far...